Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Winter Rant Number Seventeen

This post is really more about assholes.

Let me explain:  Winter in Northern Illinois is long...way longer than what it says on the calender.  In fact, Winter in the Chicagoland area lasts from Halloween until roughly May 15th, when you have to immediately turn on your air conditioning.  You would think that after living here for close to twenty years I would be used to this horror and in many ways, I am.  What I cannot get used to, however, are the assholes.

Let me explain...

The Circle Dropoff Asshole:  This person is a terrible driver under the best of conditions.  Throw in some snow, ice, a completely snow covered car and children trying to get to the school's front door and you have a recipe for disaster.  I've had these numbskulls pull up to the right of my car, in the bus lane, going 30 miles an hour as my kids are trying to exit my vehicle.  They then drive away so quickly, because they've seen the murderous look on my face, that all I have time to do is shout obscenities at their bumpers.

The Christmas Decorations Asshole:  I love Christmas.  I really do.  I love the lights, I love the Christmas movies, the cosy feeling of having a Christmas tree in the living room, Christmas vacation, all of it...except for... Those people that feel the need to not only leave their lights up through Memorial Day, but whom also leave them lit.  Glowing, half burnt out, sagging Christmas lights, how pretty!  Don't even get me started on the lit up crosses.  Seriously?  Are you going to crucify Santa on your front lawn?  What does a cross have to do with Christmas?!?!  Easter, maybe.  Christmas?  Just no.  I get leaving the lights on the house until you have a decent day to climb on the roof or whatever.  But, you can't pull the plug?  You can't remove the freaking wreath from your door?  Let me tell you, there is nothing less festive than a brown wreath, sadly drooping on your front door on Valentine's Day, unless it's the molding, uninflated blow up manger scene strewn across your dead grass.

The Snow Blower Asshole:  This one is by far, my favorite.  This is the guy that spends four hours making sure that there is not a speck of snow on their car or driveway but cannot be bothered to clean the sidewalks.  Even worse, sometimes the Snow Blower Asshole is also a Snow Plow Asshole who plows the snow across the sidewalk making a five or six foot hill directly on the sidewalk that kids trying to walk home from school or dog walkers have to navigate over or around.  Really, Asshole?  You can't clean your god damned sidewalk?  If my 80 year old neighbor can do it, so can you.

And, so I wait for Spring when all I have to deal with are the Lawnmower Assholes, the Blasting Country Music Assholes and the Blown Speaker Rap Assholes...

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