(Don't they look great?!? Not sure about the gummy worms, though, weird.)
I mentally pat myself on the back for being such a great mom as I stroll the market looking for the correct ingredients. They don't carry an apple corer? Oh well, I think...no matter. I will just core these lovely Granny Smith apples by hand. It should only take, what...30 minutes? (the real answer is: infinity)
Two hours later, I have given up trying to make apple rings. After nearly losing two fingers and ruining four apples, I have settled for making a small batch of apple rings and then, I will use the rest of the batter for apple pancakes...just dicing up the leftover apple and adding it to the batter.
Not quite what I had in mind, but 120 minutes in, there is no way I am not making something on the griddle.
Oh crap. The griddle is still on top of the fridge and needs to be cleaned.
After scrubbing the crap out of the non-stick (note: foreshadowing) griddle, I finally start working on the batter.
I read the instructions on the side of the bag of gluten free pancake mix. "How many eggs do I need?!?!? 5?!?!????!!! What the hell, Pamela?!?! Okay, I will use applesauce to make up the difference. WHAT?!?!?!!! How are we out of applesauce???!!???Okay, it's still fine, I will improvise. Two eggs + Two tablespoons of Earth Balance + One cup of Almond Milk+ Whatever oil we have left = Five eggs, right? Whatever."
The batter is finally prepared and the griddle is hot. I place the apple rings on the griddle and begin to gently drizzle batter over them.
"What in the world?!?!? There is no way to leave the middle circle open. NO WAY. Okay, that's fine. They will be circles, not rings, but no less delicious or beautiful."
I am now sweating in my 100 degree kitchen and have gone partially deaf from the sound of the overhead exhaust fan as it labors fruitlessly to waft the smell of burnt batter away from the stove.
Brett comes in and asks if I can drive him to a friend's house. I ask him very sweetly to wait until I am done making him THESE! DELICIOUS! PANCAKES! and turkey bacon and he backs slowly out of the room. Smart child.
It as at about this moment that I try and turn the rings (now circles) over.
If an appliance could laugh, this electric griddle would have. Huge, loud, Teflon coated guffaws. "Oh, you want to flip these pancakes? These, right here? No way in hell, lady. Ha ha ha ha ha haaa."
Apple Ring Pancakes: Nailed it!
I take a few belly breaths and count to five. It is either that, or start dismantling the kitchen board by board.
I look over at the sad remains of the apple ring pancakes and decide to give in and just make pancakes with apple bits. They are sure to be delicious, still, right?
I dollop the apple batter onto the comal (with about a half container of Earth Balance to ensure non-stickedness) and let go of the breath I have been holding in for the last two hours.
Danny comes in and takes one look at the griddle and almost starts laughing until he sees the flames shoot from my eyeballs. Instead, he starts scraping the crap off of it, wondering out loud if the apples are still salvageable.
I start laughing...that maniacal laugh that you know is just one step below tears while wielding the spatula like a knife.
He backs away, nibbling on half burnt/half raw pancake batter and apple, swearing it is delicious. This is an example of why we are still married.
In the end, I do manage to pull off some surprisingly good apple pancakes and turkey bacon, which only Brett and Danny wound up eating. The other two rolled their eyes at me and reminded me why I never try and make breakfast in the first place.
Amy's Apple Pancakes
Prep Time: Three hours
Crying Time: Three hours (on and off)
Time Husband Spends Trying To Hold In Laughter: Your entire marriage
Eating Time: Three minutes
Cleaning Up Afterwards: Ninety minutes
Yield: 12 Somewhat edible, very greasy pancakes