Monday, March 18, 2013


I don't know why I never learn my lesson.  

I join a group of like-minded people at work, or at school or online and at first, I am all "Whooo!!!  You people are so great!!! What did I do before I knew you?!?!?  I love you!!!" and then, I realize with great disappointment that they are, in fact, human and therefore I realize that I pretty much hate them.  

It's no one's fault but my own.  I have very high expectations and I get excited pretty easily.  

I also crave acceptance.  My own feeling of right and wrong is not enough.  I need someone telling me that it is ok to feel the way I do.  I am insecure and need someone to tell me that I am not crazy.  Even better, I need a whole group of people telling me that I am perfectly normal.  And cool.  Very, very cool.  I realize that this is something I need to work on.  The problem is that there is not much middle ground here for me to work with.  I'm usually either alone in my thinking, or I come to find out that I am not alone, but the people that think like me are fucking lunatics.  Neither scenario is attractive to me.

Let me give you an example:  Three years (and twenty pounds) ago, I went on a healthy eating retreat.  It was wonderful.  I learned a ton, I lost some weight, I came home full of energy and with a new group of similarly minded Facebook friends.  And then, a few weeks or months later, I started to realize who the crazies were.  Now, most of the people I met were in the same boat as me:  they loved the retreat, they took away many great ideas and lifestyle changes, but, it was a part of their lives, not THEIR LIVES.  

Then the crazies started haranguing the rest of us about wearing leather shoes and carrying leather bags and having a leather couch and on and on.  Did I mention that these were all people who were eating vegan?  But, that wasn't good enough.  We had to do all or nothing to be good enough for them.

The craziest part of all, is that the one's that I respected the most were the ones who admitted to eating a cheeseburger now and again.  They recycled and upcycled and wore their damned leather shoes for twenty years because they were comfortable and what was the sense of throwing them away, now?  Wouldn't that be a terrible waste?

And I love animals. Love them!  I have eaten and not eaten them for years.  Not eaten when I really thought about what I was eating; eaten when I became blinded by a craving, or was stressed or the million other reasons why I don't live on kale and chickpeas.  Mostly, because I am weak and food is an addiction.  I'm not saying it's right.  I'm just trying to be honest.

I guess I could have ignored the crazies except that they were always the loudest, the ones who typed in ALL! CAPS!  ALL THE TIME!  and had to HAD TO get the last word.  It was not enough that we agreed, mostly.  We had to accept it all or be berated for having a slightly different opinion.  

So, I defriended and unliked and stepped away from the whole thing, which is a shame, because I loved so much about it.  I just couldn't take the constant yelling.  I have three boys and a terrible mortgage company.  There is way more than enough yelling in my own house, thank you very much.

I think I am learning that finding those that will support you even when you sortof (but not really) disagree is really important.  Maybe we are nuts, but, we are nuts together.

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