Porn: You're Doing it Wrong

*** disclaimer:  I WILL be talking about (whispers...) sex in this post.  Proceed at your own risk. ***

My BFFF and I were having an inbox discussion about things that we found porn-y that were not porn (ie:  things that get us hot that are not your typical bow-chicka-wow-wow things.  Further, bow-chicka-wow-wow rarely works for me, but that might be a post for another day, like, when I am 80 and I really don't give a shit about what I write or, who reads it.)


My friend says that Charlie Hunnam punching out Robert Pattinson would do it for her.  My answer to her about that is where I got this post title.  

"Porn:  You're Doing it Wrong".  

I mean, sure.  I was totally rooting for the werewolf in Twilight.  And this is coming from someone who LIKES vampires.  At least, I used to, until Hollywood got ahold of them in recent years.  Christopher Lee as Dracula?  Yes, please.  Tom Cruise as Lestat?  Dear God, no.  

And yes, I realize that Interview with the Vampire came out in 1994.  1994 IS recent when you are old. 

Maybe if that Twilight werewolf had had a smidgen of acting ability, it would have been a little porn-y for me.  Alas, the in-my-head, book version of Jacob was way hotter.  Yes, I read the books.  So, who I am to judge anything?  

I find it more-than-mildly porn-y listening to Jason Statham's Cockney sarcasm.  It doesn't hurt that he is nice to look at, though, not what you would call classically good looking.

mmm...

This all started because I mentioned that they were making a Magic Mike 2.  I mean, I get that Channing Tatum is cute AND a good dancer, but I don't find male strippers, even ones that look like 

Channing Tatum

and Joe Manganiello, 

attractive.  Okay, maybe I said that wrong.  They are attractive, but I don't find stripping and dancing around in g-strings to be a turn on.  I really don't need to see that thing flapping around in my face. 

 Seriously.  

Penises are like little aliens attached to men's fronts.  They seem have minds of their own and I find that unnerving.  

There are plenty of parts of the male body that I find attractive, but that thing?  Yeah, it's just a tool, for me.  Get to work and quit waving it around.  Yes, I see it.  God.

Then, we got on the subject of another movie coming out:  Fifty Shades of Grey.  

I could never write a review as hilariously accurate as this one, so I will link to it.  I have probably read it fifty (har har!) times and it makes me cry with glee every, single, time.

Suffice it to say that I did not find those books, scratch that, BOOK, since I only got through about six chapters of the first one before I started skimming, to be a turn on, at all.  I did find them silly and annoying, though.  I kept texting the BFFF things like:  "Is she for real?"  "Oh, yes, a 21 year old virgin.  That's believable" and on and on until I finally threw the book across the room.  

Maybe I am a snob.  Maybe I am a prude (not likely, but sure.).  Maybe I just don't get the attraction.  Maybe I just don't like smarmy guys who think money can buy everything.  Maybe I don't identify with weak women.  Maybe the whole thing just went over my head and yanking a woman's tampon out is super, wildly, sexy.  

Maybe.

But, I doubt it.

Part of me is wondering if this is going to become like The Rocky Horror Picture Show and people are going to bring tampons to the theater to throw at the screen.  THAT, I would pay to see.  Actually, I might just start that trend.  

Anyway, if you hear me snickering in the back row, try and ignore me and remember, it's what you think that counts, not me...(weirdo).

You Really Like Me!

My friend, over at Kimchi Latkes has been kind enough to send me a blogger award.  I really don't know what this means, other than she received some (well deserved) from other bloggers and decided to pass one on to me.  I might be happier about it if there was some kind of cash prize involved, but I am thrilled, nonetheless.  

As part of the award, you apparently have to answer a few questions about yourself that the nominating blogger poses.  Again, I really haven't got a clue about all this, but here are my answers to the questions posed by Kimchi:

1. If you could bring only three food items to a desert island, what would they be?  (Don’t worry about survival or nutrition here, I want to know what three things you’d be content eating over and over for the rest of your life.)

Having just written a post about eating more healthily, I think that being content and nutrition go hand in hand.  That said, my items are pretty healthy and I could be happy living on them, if not for the rest of my life, at least for a long weekend.  Anyway, I would pick pistachios, olives and bananas.

2. If you were attacked by a vampire and they offered to turn you into one, would you accept?  Explain.

Oh, the can of worms this question opens up!  I have mentioned vampires quite a bit in my writing.  I don't mean icky, totally boring Twilight type vampires, though.  I mean, super hot and sexy vampires; the way they are meant to be.  If one of these super hot and sexy vampires offered to bite me, I would not hesitate.  This probably would not be adultery, since I have a sneaking suspicion that my smoking hot husband is going to come out as a vampire any day now.

3. Time travel to any point in Earth’s history, and any location.  Where would you go, and why?

Good one.  I think I would like to go back to 1911 and see Machu Picchu when it was first seen by outsiders.  I've always wanted to go there and the idea of seeing such a magical place before most anyone else is pretty appealing.  Plus, Absinthe.  I would stock up.  

4. What is your favorite children’s book/fairy tale/folk tale?

I love anything to do with Santa Claus.  Who is cooler than a guy who flies around the world in one night in order to make kids happy?  No one, that's who.

5. Ocean or mountain vacation?

Can't I have both?  I spend lots of vacation time in the Adirondacks of New York and love that, but when I think about dream vacations, they usually include some kind of exotic, beach locale.  Think me and my husband on a lonely Greek island.  Ocean.

6. Describe the best thing that has ever happened to you.

I think the best thing that ever happened, was the thing that lead to all the other "best things" in my life.  It was meeting my husband while we worked together in Los Angeles in 1992.  All the best stuff came after.

Whew!  That was fun!  :)