Tuesday, May 12, 2015

How to Cure a Cold in Three Easy Steps

Here is my cure for the common cold:  

Step One:  

Wait until you are about three weeks into a hacking, phlemy Exorcist-sounding cough; then loudly (the better for the germ gods to hear you) announce "I should really call the doctor about this cough!"

Then, do nothing for three weeks.  Nothing includes:  Everything you normally do, at a slower pace, while whining, moaning and, occasionally, hacking up a small piece of lung.  It also includes annoying your partner to the point that he actually considers sleeping in the living room with the cats...the nine cats.

Step Two:

Take a look at yourself in the mirror and realize that you have never seen that shade of greenish/purple under your eyes, before.  Hack for approximately 37 minutes at 2 a.m.  Loudly announce to the germ gods, your entire family and the awake-and-ready-to-play cats that you SERIOUSLY need to call the doctor about this cough.  I am so serious right now.

Do nothing for another three weeks.  Nothing includes everything you normally do, at a slower pace, but with a grudging acceptance that this is your life, now.  You really don't remember life before this cough.

Step Three:

Your cough has subsided to a small, annoying tickle that only presents itself anytime you are horizontal for more than 1.5 seconds.  No problem.  You've totally got this under control; but maybe, you should call the doctor because you are pretty sure nope, definitely sure, that you are getting an ear infection.

Wait for the infection to excruciatingly work it's way out of your right ear a mere 48 hours before you go to see the most epic concert of your life THIS! RIGHT! HERE! OMGOMGOMG, and you have seen epic concerts.  At least the speakers will probably blow out your eardrum.  Problem solved.


It's just like calling Beetlejuice, only slower, less exciting and much more painful.

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