I'm doing all this because I am trying to become a better person. I'd like to be a saner, happier, thinner beacon of light that people, animals, money and good ideas are drawn to.
At the moment, I feel more like one of those bug zappers that electrocutes innocent moths and pesky mosquitoes without differentiating between the two. I tend to snap at people I love and people I don't in equal measure. I scream at poor drivers and comment loudly and sarcastically if you say, step between me and the thing I am looking at in the meat case at the grocery store. "Am I invisible?" "No, really, I wasn't trying to look at anything!" "OBLIVIOUS!!!"...all phrases that I uttered in my last shopping excursion.
I take everything personally. I feel way too much; good and bad. I have major anger issues. I don't have much of a filter; if I think it, I will most likely say it, unless I am physically unable to speak at the moment.
None of this has made me very popular.
I have no idea how to make small talk and really, no desire to do it. I don't care about your kid/boss/car/spouse; I hardly know you. Not that I don't try. I smile and say hi to people that I know by face or name while waiting for our kids to finish basketball/wrestling/guitar lessons and then, they usually start talking to someone else. Once that happens, I usually stick my face in a book and don't look up until it is absolutely necessary. It feels like that time in sixth grade when I gathered all my courage to go and hang out with the popular girls at recess and they acted like I was not even there. I just stood there, not wanting to call more attention to myself by walking away, until the bell rang. I never said a word about it to anyone, but to this day, that memory haunts me.
I felt totally rejected when I made a plan for drinks with a few friends and only one person showed up. I get it. I happens. I could chalk it up to that if it hadn't happened over and over and over again.
Hence, the self help books and extra walking and meditating and primal screaming ( I am really good at the last one, but my cats and neighbors really hate it!). I am trying to figure out how to be more attractive to the universe and all the good things in it. I know that it is me that needs fixing. I can't control what anyone else does. And feeling bad and let down hasn't helped. I'm working on me.
Now, buzz off.